Some examples might be: “It makes me happy that you like solving problems for me,” or, “You make me feel wonderful when you tell me you love me,” or, “It makes me happy that you help with the kids and they love it.” One of the chapters in my book, Men Made Easy, is titled: “Why Men Are Driven To Make Women Happy.” Letting him know you’re happy makes him feel successful. He needs that and you can give it to him. Benefit to you: He’ll start looking for more ways to make you happy. Why it works: If you’re not happy he feels like a failure and men hate to fail.

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When we catch ourselves being “ugly” to another, or even to ourselves, we need to look in the mirror and notice how we’re disappointed, frustrated, not loving, or angry toward ourselves, because with everything we put out into the world, it comes from within us first. Inner love begets outer love, inner disappointment begets outer disappointment, etc. There’s a reason it’s called personal growth “work.” The work part is being brutally honest with ourselves so we can take charge, stop running on automatic and STOP BLAMING what’s going on outside. Because you know what, in every situation and every person, you are right smack in the middle of it. The only way we are going to choose to change our habits is if we become aware of them. Then, and only then, will we take charge of how we behave and begin to choose from a place of love. Bottom line, it’s all about living and loving full out.

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Instead of complaining, whining, or raising your voice, speak softly with clear, concise, respectful, and loving language. How do you do that? Before you “react” stop for however long you need in order to calm yourself. Walk away, explaining that you need to collect your thoughts before continuing. Then plan what you want to say. Sometimes I even write down what I need to communicate so I remember what I need to say. Then, when it’s time to talk about it, I ask that I be allowed to finish before he speaks. You’ll be surprised how well this works. He’ll stay open to what you need to say, you’ll be heard, and if you continue throughout the conversation as two people who love each other, your relationship will blossom. Benefit to you: You’ll get his attention, his cooperation, and his respect. Why it works: Men need clear, concise, unemotional language to be able to hear you. Otherwise, they shut it out completely. And we all know how good they can be at doing that.

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I can strongly agree that dishonesty – especially with online dating – is terrible in any form (with the small exception of those polite societal little white lies). Lying about who you are or what you want in a relationship is extremely destructive. Most of the time, though, I believe men think they are being honest when they say things (the good guys, at least – we all know the bad boys ALWAYS lie to get what they want). If a man tells you he is ready for a relationship or that he wants to see where things go, give him a chance. If you’re not sure where he really stands take things VERY SLOWLY! If a guy is really interested in you, he’ll understand and respect that. If it ends up that he still has feelings for his ex, or if he comes up with some other reason why he’s just not that into you, well… you’ve sussed out that he’s not emotionally available. Be glad that you’re done with him and move on!

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Belittling our partner––or a child, for that matter––either directly or by innuendo, is a direct hit to the heart. Eventually, love is replaced by resentment, loathing or even hate. In the moment, we don’t realize the damage we’re causing when we belittle those we “say” we love. We’re blinded by our own feelings. Our hurtful comments are driven by frustration, anger, disappointment, and sadly, simply from the “relationship skills” we learned as children from our family environment. I’m all about personal growth. In my opinion, that is absolutely the number one reason we are on this planet to learn to be the best person we can be. As we evolve our heart, spirit and soul we expand our capacity to love. The more space love takes up within us, the less room there will be for anything else.

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